end.

skip this post cause i'm just throwing everything out.

last year, i made this decision and really, i swear i didn't regret it at all. my whole life changed, so much more excitement, much more fun and much more crazy. i felt so lucky to have him with me, and have him to go through hard times with me. just by looking at him, by hearing his voice, or just by receiving his texts, could make me smile. and i did alot of stupid bitchy things to gain his attention.. :/ but every girl does that right?! x.x everything started accidentally, and it didnt really started because i loved him. it was because of some other reasons.. fact is i didn't even wanted to meet him at all after we got together. ._. and then when i met him, everything was so awkward at first and i kept playing with my ipod. :/ i didn't even wanted to get too attached to him at first, cause i wasn't even sure if he was serious about us. but just one text changed everything, and my impression of him. till now, i can still remember the contents of the text... (':

nobody will know how i felt, what i went through for these 4 months+. it was like everything that we did was not real, liker everything was a dream, like he did not even existed and nothing happened. but when the memories came, and felt so vivid, so sweet, full of happiness, so lovely that they can really make you smile while thinking of them, you will be so confused, so lost and really unsure of what to do next, and what to believe. most terrible feeling in the world. everything that i see, i do, i pass by, i say, reminds me of him. and then i start forcing myself not to think of him, not stalk his facebook. but it kinda turned out worse. those memories just keeps coming back, and then sometimes find myself smiling to myself, otherwise, crying. and then no-answers-questions will appear. what really went wrong? was the problem with me? was i not good enough for him? was i not pretty enough? his love, his actions, his words, him, was everything unreal? and then there was a period of time when you really want to cry everything out, but you can't. its like, those tears just won't come out. and that miserable feeling is stuck there. miserable, really miserable. smile, and let no one notice how sad i am, how unfine i am, how miserable i'm feeling. start keeping everything to myself to let people know that i'm doing just fine, and upon realising that no one can be trusted. and then slowly, i find how unimportant i am to everyone, and then i start destroying every single friendship i have. realised that i've not cried in a long time, his facebook statues no longer affect me, thought of him lesser and lesser, thought that i was finally strong, finally picked myself up, and not fearing the arrival of 17dec. until today. i miss him so much. but all these feelings will just be for today~

a part of me just can't forget him and our memories. what to do, sua lo. i wonder, do you still think of me, of us? and what happened last year? but what does he treat me as? i bet not even a friend, just someone from his past, someone he wants to ignore. hais just makes me so.. *sigh* i treat you as friend ask you okay anot then you dao me. sua ok. sua. zzzz. and my dear friend ah, you could have at least told me the truth for wanting to break up. your reason/lie was so damn lousy. next time want break up with other girls think of better reasons ok? (: lastly, thank you so much and i really really really mean it. because of you, i became someone who was stronger, someone with much more courage, someone who is much friendly (._.) and someone who have learnt how to let go. :D